May 8, 2012 § Leave a comment
Since I last ventured into this space, a lot has changed.
I have become attached to a fixed identity: a student. And an even more specific identity: a development student.
Time has become fixated on due dates. The compression of time has resulted in a significant inner change. I am so preoccupied with my outer world, that it has become increasingly rarer for me to venture into the inner. The worlds do overlap, but it depends on the week, the subject, the challenge. Less does the entry into the inner world revolve around relationships, love and the parts of me that drip away as I stumble through life, people and places.
It is not to say that study inhibits self reflection. Quite the opposite really. I have been forced to really check myself, my purpose, my intentions, my values: more than ever before. It is a more critical self reflection. The world of emotions and feelings that used to dictate every part of me have been replaced with more nuanced reactions. The part of me that required a bowl of Pho to ease my soul has become more complacent. Perhaps that is the reason I have kept so quiet here. The need to enter this space has declined.
But now, a new need has presented itself. A need to share my inner and outer experiences of my new identity: the development student: the identity that I am currently wrestling with, working through, exploring, critiquing and occupying.
Here I suggest a point of departure. Mulling over the Pho bowl will now be more about broader philosophical questions, that include both my inner and outer worlds, but focus on: ideas of development, being a development student, and the ‘state’ of the world, and my ‘place’ in this big old place.
I suppose the way I think won’t change. I start with a tumultuous sea of thoughts, clashing, wrestling, mull over them, until I get to the bottom, where there is a sense of calm… clarity, coherence, convergence.
This will be my little study refuge. To help me deal with my new identity. To question the intentions of development, my own intentions, my own values and the idea of action, of change.
And I shouldn’t lie. I want something to track the changes I undergo in the way I think and deal with these complex issues. Annnd… I was hoping jumping over here might help me map out some of the concepts I’m learning, help me to study, help me to prepare for exams, help me to apply, explain and tangibly reflect on what I am learning.
I guess all I have written previously written is just a different expression of the same general themes.
While I don’t suggest I have any answers, something about me won’t stop interrogating the nature of reality, change, people and my own reactions until I feel satisfied enough with some kind of answer….